5th October 2011

It's already the 5th of October. How fast time flies. In just a couple of months, it will be 2012. The 2012 that I thought is stil so so far away, at one time.

It's been about 15 months since it last happened. And as much as I am in denial, I am still not over it.

Just last night the pain came again. But I know I got to let it be.

On another note, I have graduated. The late-night stays in school, in team mate's places, staying up till feel like vomiting to complete assignment, now it's over. Until I start another course, which I am not thinking of yet now. I mean, I do think of it, but besides talking to the principal about it, no more done.

I miss school. I miss the people I've been spending time with.

My full-time job as a childcare teacher has to be postponed. All due to not clearing the medical check-up. Oh gosh, have yet to receive the result from my last urine test last Friday. This is a different test, some culture thingy, and perhaps it takes longer. It's already so expensive. Haiz.

This is so frustrating.

Anyway, Korea was really fun! And Batam this weekend. And I've got the tixs for Penang. Woohoo! Alhamdulillah atas segala rezeki yang diberiNya. =)

Happy Teachers' Day!

It's first of September. It's Teachers' Day. And this year, for the first time I am celebrating it. How? By staying home just to hog the laptop, and to sleep. And oh ya, eat. I've been having images since I was young, that I will celebrate Teachers' Day. So there, I have it today. But just because I am an attachment teacher, I did not have a full celebration of it, just that I get to to enjoy the holidays too. And of course, gifts from the kids as well. They are super adorable, really.

Anyway, yesterday's work was fine. The hardworking me stayed all the way till nearly 4pm, when my leaving time supposedly was 1pm. See, I love my kids so much (though from 1pm they were already asleep cause it's nap time), and yes, the staffs in the centre. Went Mc, had Mc for lunch, and just sit around laughing like crazy with the staffs. Of course, these are teachers and even the cooking auntie. How nice. I'm seriously beginning to fall in love with the centre.

Anyway, I am on emo mode. I saw something, and suddenly I keep hearing the line which seems like nothing, but deep down it cuts me deep.
"Yelah, tanak belanja. Takde duit, takde duit. Tapi dalam diam, simpan duit untuk kahwin dengan orang lain!"

Breathe in, breathe out. I know that line was never meant to hurt me. But it shows the hurt that was inflicted on the above person who said it. With that, there is no need to mention the pain that I was inflicted with.

Enough. Without any choice, you gotta move on, Shiqin.

Happy Teachers' Day to all teachers, and even non-teachers. It is not an easy job at all, and I know it as much as you teachers do. But we've come this far, we've gone thus far, and I am very sure we can all make it, and with that, I hope we will all become even greater and better teachers. Happy Teachers' Day and we sure do need this break! =)

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri!

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir dan Batin to all the Muslims! =)

This year, I decided not to "really celebrate" Hari Raya. The mood was not there, I do not know why. Maybe because I have grown, so much bigger and older, that Raya does not mean so much to me. Maybe because I do not go out in one huge bus with all my grandparents, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and relatives on the first day, and would get hundreds on the first day, like seriously. Maybe because I have to stay home, wear normal clothes, and clean the house like crazy days before raya and be stucked in the kitchen the whole first day of Raya cleaning things up. Maybe because, emm, I do not get green packets anymore. Maybe because this year I do not have much budget for my Raya packets as I need to put aside the money for other things. And maybe because, yes, there was much preparation for my final practicums.

So yea, that's the list. But I think the top one would be the crazy cleaning up, which I really feel like giving up yesterday, and thinking of the tiredness of the first day.

It is not that I do not like Raya. It is just that I do not enjoy it as much now that I am older. I love Raya like crazy when I was young, you know. But then, I was not choosy last time. I love whatever my parents bought me, and that was A FEW pairs of Raya clothes every year. Which I still do get now. I mean, yea I need A FEW. Maybe five? Hahah. I usually, ehem, hmm, do not like to wear the same clothes. So if I have worn it once, I do not like to wear it again. Atleast on the same year. So yea. I dislike that fact about me. So this year I had like five tailor-made clothes for Raya. But I realized I had no jubah this year. Four baju kurung and one long kebaya. So yea. But this year I tried to cut down. I decided not to get a new handbag and shoes. And I live with "normal" tudungs. But then, two days ago I decided to get "crystals" for my tudung. To match with my clothes. So yea I went to get them at the "Kriz-tals" shop, or something like that. In the end, I did not have time to put the crystals on and decided to wear a new tudung with crystals already on it. I am super glad the colour matches my clothes. Hah. Oh yah, by the way, I need matching stuffs. I can't stand having different colour this and that, and non-matching things. You know it if you know me. And yea, so I did not get a new handbag. The bag which I fell for costs nearly my whole month's allowance, so forget it. Anyway, I only use my last year's handbag a few times, so no harm using it again. Not fussy on that. But then, I bought new shoes yesterday. Hahah. I told Mum I want to just see-see, but I ended up buying a pair. It costs $60, but there was an offer, so why not? Heh. So much for not wanting to buy shoes. And I bought it right after someone helped me clean the shoe cabinet and commented that I have so many pairs of shoes, and I need half of that big shoe cabinet for myself! And half of that side was all my heels! And is if I wear heels, except for perhaps two three days on Raya! Gosh! Of course the other half was mostly my Crocs. Heh.

Ok I am so starting to babble here. I'm working tomorrow morning at 7, and it's going to be two, and I am still talking nonsense. Was actually just supposed to check on my flight details, but here I am. This year Raya went fine, but the cleaning was crazy. Oh ya, maybe also because yesterday was my final practicum, so I have been busy with that. And what's more my Mum had to do all her cakes. Hundreds of pieces you know. Our house has become a cake shop. Heh. Oh ya, and drama late on Raya night. Oh well.

Oh one more thing! I passed my final practicum too! Ahhhh! It's all over. Atleast until I submit my assignments and portfolio. Then I would graduate already!!!

Okay, time to sleep. Wake up and meet my kids tomorrow. I have a feeling there will be soo sooo many stories from them.

Once again, Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir & Batin all! =)

Worrying Solves Nothing

Ok, I don't know why I put the above slogan. Perhaps because I am that kind of person, as many has said. I SEEM calm, and looks as if there's nothing worrying me. Most of the time, I really do not bother about worrying about things, especially if they are not happening real soon. For me, I'll worry about it when the time comes. But sometimes, of course I do worry. Definitely!

One instance was earlier today. It was my FP3 practicum! The second last of the great hurdle before I graduate. Time flies by so fast. I remember the first moments of being in this line. It seems just like a couple of months ago. But then I also remember the practicums, the exams and the never-ending assignments we have to do. The staying back in school or at a team mate's place to complete assignments. Ok, let's not get there. So it was my FP3 practicum. And it was a full lesson plan implementation, and everything a teacher needs to do. I wasn't really nervous, cause I know do not work well with nervousness. It went quite well, though I have kids, and especially a kid who just do not want to listen to me during my practicum. Even my field supervisor noticed, and of course she did not blame me because kids will always be kids. I took him for trial lessons and he could behave, but infront of my field sup... boleh mengucap. My field sup said he might just be showing off cause he kept turning to look at my field sup and was distracted by a stranger. Maybe. So well my field sup said I managed the class very well, which was a great relieve, because seriously, at some point of time when I have to keep trying to get the children's attention, I just feel like, I don't know. It even crossed my mind during the practicum that this is not for me. That I am not a good teacher, and I could never be one. Never say never, I still rmb his words. So I persevered, and I just tried to block out the distractions. I actually quite enjoy my lesson with the kids, and it's wonderful when ALL the children want to go to my learning centre which I spent like every waking hour the past week completing them, trying to make them as perfect as possible, atleast to me, for my kids. And it's wonderful when they want to join me in my activities although I only need to choose some children. And all of them wanting to be in my class when I only need to take half of them.

So well yes, my field supervisor said I did very well, from my lesson, assignments, handling the class, and everything. So I passed, and passed well. Alhamdulillah.

The joy of teaching them and seeing them learn something new, a step further of an educated human being. The joy of seeing my kids happy. The joy of getting hugs, kisses, I love yous, greetings, drawings (even though you really do not know what they draw), stickers, and everything else. The joy of a teacher.

I am falling in love with my kids. I have already fallen deeply in love with some of them. It will be hard to say goodbye. In just a few weeks.

Okay Shiqin, stop your emo. It's time to work on your evaluation which is due this Friday and start working on FP4 which is next Monday. I can already feel the sleepless nights again, but after FP4, I know I will miss all this.

Thank you my family, friends, principal, mentor, centre teachers, lecturers, field supervisor and definitely my kids for making my fp3 a success. Now, just one more time kids for Teacher Shiqin's FP4. And then I'll be your playmate again okay? I love my kids. I so do, even though they really make me feel like quitting this line on the spot. ;)

My first week of final attachment...

One week of attachment is over today. It has been FIVE days. FIVE days. Time really flies. It seems a long way more I will end it all, and for practicums to arrive. Until someone reminded me that we are only left with FIVE WEEKS of attachments. During this time, there will be the final two practicums. Oh gosh oh gosh. So that means I'm only left with one or two weeks for the upcoming prac and perhaps another three to four weeks of the FINAL practicum, which is really the ultimate. Oh my goodness. How great!

So how was the first week of attachment, you asked? I'm going to admit I initially thought of blogging everyday after attachment to record my, well, feelings and whatever happened for the day. But what do you think? I've been really tired every single day. This week has been really busy. Monday was the first day of attachment, followed by rushing off to JB. Tuesday off to library and getting the stuffs for the birthday celeb today. Wednesday rushed off to school to meet the field supervisor for pre-FP3 briefing. Thursday rushed off to Poly to bring Adlina for her jab. Today was super rushed to Finnie's place for Finnie and Min's surprise birthday celebration.

Ok fine, I have not answered how's my attachment so far. I feel, I think, I'm enjoying it more than I used to. Still feel awkward here and there, well, I have not been in the centre since last year, but I think my host teacher is really good. She can be straightforward, but she cared enough. Alhamdulillah. My kids? Oh well the kids... They're fine. You can't expect a perfect group of students right? And yes, they are adorable, really. I can seriously cry looking at them, and I really mean in a good way. Today, one of my boy was really emotional. He sulked, nearly cried, when we sang one of the National Day song, because his friends did not hugged him and he has noone to hug. And then he emo when he could not ride the tricycle back to school. And then he really cried like nobody;s business when he THINKS his classmate did not put soap while showering. And yes, I was in-charge of showering today, which I'm really used to by now. He cried, and cried, and the boy whom he accused and actually hit went out, and came into the shower with a tissue paper, asking me to wipe the crying boy's tears. OMG! I wanted to cry. You should have seen this cute little boy's face (the one who gave the tissue). And the crying boy actually cried till after shower, and again the other boy took a tissue, and he actually tried to wipe the crying boy's eyes, and was even pushed away harshly. And then he passed me the tissue, urging me to be the one wiping the tears off. I wanted to cry, I tell you!

Ok, even I am emo.

You think being an educator is easy? Especially preschool? They ask you EVERY SINGLE THING. From personal to GK to Academic. Why? What? When? Where? Who? How? Every single thing. And on every single subject, etc etc. I need to catch up on my knowledge of songs, movies, cartoon characters, games, and EVERYTHING! Do you know that all the books in the library, you have to know how to pronounce, and for example, animals, what are their names, where you find them, what they eat, how they sound, EVERYTHING. And even when you watch a movie with them, you need to know the names of every SINGLE thing the eyes can see. And well yes, you just seem to need to know everything. And if you don't know, then find out!

And yes, watch your language, watch your vocabulary, watch how you talk, sit, eat, and practically again yes, every single thing!

I'm glad the celebration today ended well. I have tried my best in planning A-Z for it. Now it's time to focus on FP3 and FP4.

I was "secretly" happy when my field supervisor praised me for everything I have done. How could my draft be perfect? It was meant to be a draft, but since it's perfect, then I won't make changes then. Hahah. Creating, making and seriously setting up the learning centres and conducting lessons is what worries me. Already started a bit on it. No time to waste now.

Monday puasa already. Then Raya. Korea trip has yet to be finalized. So much so much undone.

My current favourite music is listening to the children sing. It's my lullaby. It's what makes me smile so so sincerely, just listening to them sing. I love my kids. For all they are, seriously.

14 May 2011 (Saturday)

This few days got me thinking, more than what I have done for some time. Of the past, present and future.

I admitted to some I'm in denial during that talk. Or well, I just think I'm brushing them all aside, taking things slow. Or too slow, perhaps? I don't know. I haven't been caring for some time, or for too long a time. I don't care much, not anymore.

And it's not good. I'm at nearly the end of my journey for now. The final practicums are coming, and I'm graduating. Let's not talk about this now.

I've been very frank to my lecturer for Professional Devt during the personal questioning and answering, that I am an introvert. I don't feel like, or like, talking to people, alot, well, except my close family and friends, of course. I couldn't be bothered about other people, because really, for?

I realize I've lost a part of me, and I could feel the difference, really. Due to what had happened, the hurts, the pains. Now I've become me, like this.

I saw it yesterday. I saw the happiness he's having. And I feel the pain I've been going through. The pains and hurts I've felt, and am feeling. The whatever nots that I tried, and try to mask. They all came back last night. It is so easy to hurt others and move on living in extreme happiness, telling the whole world how happy you are. But what about the people you've hurt? That, is left for me to feel.

It is so easy to treat people like rubbish. If only I believe I am not a piece of rubbish.

24 April 2011.

It's been more than four months since I last blogged. I don't know what I've been really busy with. I'm on the comp for more hours than I feel I should be, but definitely blogging hasn't been a priority. Oh well, is it really the school work? Mostly, I check email and facebook, but seriously, besides the photos upload, I don't do much else there. And there's the travel planning. I was so busy with Batam, Cameron/KL and Kuching trip preparation in the early year, and then now the Malacca and Cambodia trip. Maybe Bintan too.

I am just done with a family gathering to celebrate the April babies in our family. Too much food. Happy Birthday, ya all! =)

Malacca is this weekend. It was last minute, so we didn't get the hotels we want. Even the coach. So we'll be travelling by car. There'll always be alternatives, as long as we willing to try, accept and pay. Hah.

I am currently excited on my Cambodia trip. Since I did not get to join the volunteer group to Cambodia due to school, I am now going there, but on a holiday trip. Purely holiday. No volunteer work. Sounds good to me. Hahah.

Oh well. I know I've been having too much holidays this year. But it does not feel like I'm having much of it. If possible, I want to go on an endless holidays, if only my bank allows it. But then again, I think I have put in much effort in my studies, but I admit, not my best effort. Why? Because I am always doing my individual assignments at the last minute. I even brought my laptop and notes to Kuching and did it in my apartment room. But of course, I have to pay the price of having sleepless nights completing the assignments by the due dates too. But Alhamdulillah, so far, my grades are still acceptable.

Now now. What's the latest in life? Alot of things happened, but one greatest gift for this year is the arrival of the little one in the family. My first niece. Oh well, atleast in my small family that is. Siti Nur Adlina, my love.
My current love. My current obsession. Alongside my current love and obsession towards travelling. Hahah.

Alright. Have to do something on my assignment. Till then.

And for now, I so do not want to think of my final practicums before I finally graduate...

16Jan2011

Ok back. Only two weeks of school has passed for 2011. It's alright so far, but not so for Sports and Fitness module. At first I was excited, and I was kind of. But the pain I went through upon reaching home and the next few days were really torturing. The next lesson, stamina was really low, and the muscle cramps were back. But Alhamdulillah I do not have any difficulty moving like the past week. Gosh.

I feel really good to be physically active. Knowing I exercise. Perspiring like crazy, and smelling like, urgh. Feeling a little pain. But then again, I do dread it. Oh that reminds me, I have not done my daily stretching using the elastic bands. Uh.

I even fell sick on Monday morning. Waking up in the middle of the night to vomiting, diarrhea and running a fever that comes and goes. But I dragged myself to school on Tuesday. And oh ya. For the first time I even took a cab from home because I woke up late as my alarm did not go off on the second day of school, and it costs me $30. Urgggh!!!

There'll be a group discussion for the group assignment for Sports which we had to set-up and present on Fri, tomorrow. In Changi Airport. Someone reminded me we should make a mini get-together as we did previously in Changi Airport. That reminds me. The incident which happened upon coming back from that gathering in Changi Airport. About six months ago.

How fast time flies. He's of different status now. And me. Am still grappling through with whatever life has for me. I want to start anew this year, but memories of the past which I try to leave behind just don't seem to want to be apart from me.

I tried, and try to show a strong upfront. But I am just a normal human being. A female who is weakened with the feeling of love, or so she thinks it is.