Eve of 2011

I haven't been blogging for a long time. This laziness is going to make me regret one day, or well, many days. My blog is where I keep myself reminded of the happenings in life. But now when there are some memories I wish to dig, there is nothing there.

I have forgotten many happenings in my life that I do want to remember sometimes. And as we know it, I remember many things that I do not really want to remember.

It's new year's eve. Tomorrow will be the beginning of 2011. Not really tomorrow, just in an hour it seems. I don't know. I don't know what to do, as per the picture above. I am not ready for 2011, but does time wait for me? Never ever will be. So I do not have a choice, but to float alongside whatever that is happening.

Nenek has been in hospital for a few days since I am back from KL. With the usual pain. Atok is not feeling well. He is suddenly becoming uzur and it's worrying. I've never really seen him this sick, and behaving weirdly. He has been engaged for a week, tomorrow.

I am feeling lost. I was doing fine last month. But these few days I am collapsing. I am missing him, God knows what exactly I am feeling, which I don't even know. After hearing his voice and getting his smses for these few days, I am back to where I was five months ago.

I tried to be strong. I am still trying to be strong.

Ya Allah, hanya kepadaMu aku berserah.

And Happy 2011 everyone! May it be a blissful year for all. =)

Ku berserah.

More than three months have passed.

I no longer blog as much as I used to. Busy? Well, just plain lazy, I guess. I've been getting back to my love of reading novels. And writing stories. But I am more comfortable doing both in Malay. If you had known me some time back, you will know that I wanted to be a Malay teacher in NIE. But they asked me to finish my A Level first. So I said goodbye to that dream and moved on with Tourism. And now, I am back as a teacher, but an English teacher. But still, I am reading more of Malay novels and writing stories in Malay.

But of course, busy-ness is all about assignments and school now. But Alhamdulillah, this past week is not so stressful as one of the major assignment's submitted. Studio Work for Art Gallery was really relaxing, where we are in our comfort zone within our group, listening to music, chatting and munching away, just doing our artworks. A very-not-creative person like me likes the fact that my lecturer was really encouraging, and so are my friends. Art Exhibition went well, where my group dd a wardrobe-clothes theme, and well yea, everything went well.

A field trip to Little India for Environmental Awareness module on Wed. Hooray! It's been some time since I last went Little India. I guess the last time was the few times I went with him to Mustafa Ctr. Oh well. Anyways, field trip is supposed to be work-based, not just play-based. We still have to come up with a report and discussion and presentation, but my group has planned to take it all in a good way, and of course, food's our biggest agenda. Hahah!

School has been alright. No matter how much pain I am going through, I managed to take everyday as it comes. Of course sometimes these tears still do manage to get themselves out, but I am sure one fine day, I will manage to overcome it all. Sometimes, I feel that I have lesser confidence. Last time, no matter how hard the day was, I know there is someone that will help me and get me through. I am not afraid of anything. Now, when he is gone, I have all types of feelings in me. At other times, I feel like I can overcome everything, since I am going through all this pain.

Ku pasti, ada hikmah di sebalik segalanya. Allah tidak akan menguji hambaNya lebih daripada apa yang kita mampu.

The children told me they love me when I saw them on Tuesday. Those words, hugs and kisses mean the world to me. Such innocence. Cherish what you have now, before everything just go away.

Went out with Sis to town on Tues after centre. Been some time since we spent time out, the two of us. Walking at places I've walked with him hurts. I kept it deep in me, praying I will get over it all soon.

Tomorrow I'm meeting ex-colleagues cum very good friends. I hope it could take away some of this pain.

Aku memohon kepadaMu, Ya Allah.

Sesungguhnya hanya Allah yang tahu betapa sakitnya hati ini.

Ya Allah. Aku memohon kepadaMu. Berilah segala kekuatan untukku mengharungi segala dugaan dan cabaran yang Engkau berikan kepadaKu. Aku pasti ada hikmah di sebalik segala ini.

Sesungguhnya cinta kepadaMu adalah cinta yang paling hakiki.

A girl doesn't need anyone who doesn't need her.

All this while, I do not have any liking towards MM. But then, what she said above is true, isn't it? It makes all the sense in the world, at current time.

Shall I post in Malay? It has been some time. Hahah. I was thinking of posting in Malay, since I've started back with Malay writing these few days. How I used to love composing stories in Malay, even poems or whatever it is. Now, my Malay has been so bad that Bro just asked me the meaning of a word in Malay minutes ago and I practically ignored him cause well, yes, I do not know the answer. Hahah. How evil. He only asked once, thank God, but if he was to ask again, I already has an answer for him. Which is... "You have Kamus Dewan right? Go and check it yourself!".

How evil. Yes, how evil.

Two assignments completed yesterday. Alhamdulillah. Focusing on another two assignments now. Ok perhaps I shall not be too ambitious. Shall finish the one due next week, before the other two which are due the following week.

On another note, how wonderful it is, at times, to be a teacher, or more, a caregiver, to young children. Those innocence, those trust and love they have, is just, amazing.

It's been two months.

Ya Allah, Sesungguhnya hanya Engkau saja yang tahu apa yang sedang kualami. Berilah ku kekuatan dan ketabahan untuk mengharungi segala dugaan dan cabaran yang kau berikan kepadaku. Amin.

I need strength...

I keep procrastinating, even to blog. Wanted to upload photos, but it still remains as to-do.

These few days are the worst in my life. Sesungguhnya hanya Tuhan sahaja yang tahu apa yang kurasakan. Betapa tersiksanya batin.

So much to do, so little time, as said by a friend. But still I feel like I'm wasting so much time. MovieMaker and videos are driving me crazy, it worsens the whole weekend. No choice but to tag along with parents for jalan raya today. But Alhamdulillah all went well.

Was thrown into another round of pain earlier today. Biarlah Tuhan sahaja yang tahu kisah sebenarnya.

Tomorrow jalan raya with current classmates. Many open-houses on weekends, but I don't think I will be going. Still have yet to go to aunts place and all.

Tuesday is attachment, and thereafter Play Module Group Meeting at Jg East Lib. Thursday is the due dates for both Play Individual and Group Assignments. And I'm only halfway done for the Individual, thanks to the poster-presentation we had weeks ago. Oh, that degree or Masters poster-presentation. But Alhamdulillah it went well too.

Ya Allah. Hanya kepadaMu aku berdoa meminta kekuatan. Sesungguhnya hanya Engkau yang mengerti segala apa yang aku alami sekarang ini.

Of Belateds

First of all, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to all of you. Maaf Zahir dan Batin.

Secondly, a very belated Happy Teachers' Day to all teachers. Only when you are a teacher, you know what teachers really go through.

Many belateds. Happy Belated Birthdays to all those who I did not personally wish too.

Hari Raya's over. FP1 and FP2 over. Woohoo. FP3 is next year, but I do not want to think about it yet.

Hari Raya was very tiring. Very very tiring. Sis is no longer here to clean. Hahah. But Alhamdulillah managed to get whatever's needed done.

Now is assignments time, with classes here and there. But the main priority is still the pending assignments. I hope to complete them soon, but hoping and doing just don't go along well together. Hahah. I sleep at the sight of notes.

Attachment's as usual. Every week, but last week was twice. Yesterday was so so tiring, worst than the day I have to helped out due to HFMD. Was posted to Playgroup cause of insufficient teachers. Physically tiring, but they just melts your heart away. What's more I was fasting, and there's outdoor time. But it was definitely fun. The joy of working with young children.

The emotional pangs were answered early this morning. I pray that I'll feel better now.

BELIEVE

This word has been strongly planted in my mind and heart for the past week. Starting with a new module, of a philosophy and the fact that I believe, it has made this word and even stronger word in the dictionary of my life.

For all that has happened, I believe that He has his reasons for it. And to believe in someone, and others, it takes alot of trust and faith, but then again, it is our choice.

Today is already the 12th of Ramadhan. And it's been over a month since the incident. How fast time flies, really.

I have assignments pending every week, and there's two every week. And how long do we get to finish them? In ONE week. Can you imagine? And 3 of the assignments need us to create something. So the time for research, for materials research, for actually doing it, and there's still the written part, and of course, the presentation, it is just challenging. I feel like I'm taking Masters course, or even Phd. Seriously. And we did something that day, and my lecturer was saying it could be use for our Phd research.

School has been Mondays, Wed to Fridays. And Tuesdays is working in the centre. Which every weekday I will really tired to do any assignments, because it needs so much thinking. I'm sure you understand if you are currently doing your studies too. And I still have tuitions on weekends.

So there? And why am I still babbling here. Because, at some point or another, I do need rest too, you see. Ok back to work.

Btw, thanks dear cousin for the advance birthday gift. Now I feel so guilty I did not get you anything for your birthday.

Tagline for the week: You Can When You Believe...

I'm addicted to wasting time.

Today is the first day of Ramadhan. And yet, I am still wasting time.

I've done alot of thinking these days. I feel mentally and emotionally tired.

I do not want to do any assignments. Which well, I did a little bit here and there still.

This weekend, no more wasting time, because one individual assignment is due on Monday.

Group meeting tomorrow. Been some time since I last seen them all!

Selamat berpuasa to all Muslims dears out there!

Things happen for a reason... Just believe

As usual, I will choose the picture which best describes what I want to convey.

Ain't it true how things always happen, and as much as we can't, or can I say do not want to accept it, at the end of the day, it already happened, and there will always be a reason behind it. And yes, we have to believe, in ourselves and in Him, having the best for us.

I have not deleted the previous posts, just there under unpublished.

It is not really a new beginning, just that I am on a different path than what it used to be for these few years.

It hasn't been an easy journey, referring to both the years together and the after period. But I was amazed at myself for being so calm about it. I spent a day by myself, hardly talking to anyone, just thinking, and is it necessary to include crying? But in my heart I already knew the answer, my answer.

It was painful, but I feel calm, amazingly, when I let go. I was amazed, really amazed at how I was. I berserah. I believed when he said he still loves me, but on the other hand, I also believe that He wants this of us, and sesungguhnya ada hikmah di sebalik segalanya. InsyaAllah he has the best for us.

Now, I spent most times on school. I spent time with Parents as well, just us 3, going out. Doing a little bit of cleaning since Hari Raya's coming (wait, puasa not yet). Assignments are never ending, so there. But not as if I could always focus on that too. And of course being in the centre with the kids. They are my pain and happiness. Sometimes seeing them pains me, but at other times, they are a joy, really. Such innocence.

Anyways, I do not want to blab so much now. I think I'm going breakfast with the family, before puasa starts. And I am still in two minds about celebrating National Day at Sis's place, since we just went there yesterday.

And well, Happy 45th Birthday, Singapore! You know, I love you. I could not ask for a better place to live in, than you. =)

That day has come

If I could just describe the feelings I have now, maybe I know exactly what I feel. But I don't.

I am going through what I feel nearly three years ago. But things have changed, it definitely has.

I need strengh.

Sesungguhnya cinta kepada Allah adalah satu-satunya cinta yang kekal abadi.