Woahhh! I just finally, finally came back here after nearly a year of hibernating on blogging. Not hibernating anymore. More like dead for a year. Hah. What makes me come back? Because of the reports that people are still reading my blog. Thanks people, you keep me going.

I miss blogging. But being a teacher is really eating me up. Sucking all my energy. I miss those days where I can do so many things I love.

I do love my job. SOMETIMES. SOMETIMES it gets real hard. For example, yesterday. A parent commented what have we been teaching, just because, just because her son spilled the Mamee which his friend gave. And at that point of time, the boy was with the mum. He spilled the Mamee which the Mum helped him to open up the packet, and the teachers have to pay the price with the comment that teachers teach her child to be like an animal. And with anger, she said that a few days ago her child does not want to open his eyes on their way home in the lift, and what have the teachers been teaching? And, the child is my child! A child in my group, whom I try to teach whatever I could, may it be academic or moral values. I pour out my heart and soul to educate my children, even though they are not even my blood, and this is what I get in the end? Teaching my children to be like animals, just because they spilled food and did not want to open their eyes when they are with their parents OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL?

Do I have to take responsibility for every single negative behaviour my children portray? Parents leave their children in the school, educated by teachers and parents totally let go?? When their child behaves, its thanks to them. When their child misbehaves, its because of the teachers. Parents, think. It's your children. You made them, in a way. I am a teacher. I teach what I need. Your children is NOT everything to me, though I give my nearly-all at work. My blood, sweat, tears, energy, so much for your children.

I don't need gifts. I don't need appreciation. I need understanding.

And well yes. I pray that all goes well this time, for us.

It is currently the month of October. 2nd October, to be exact. I know I have not blogged for long. But I thought the last I blog was like, atleast, August? But no, it's July. How long ago was that!?!

How have things been going? I thought after the official opening, it will be a breather. But no. PTC ALMOST killed me the other time. What with the headache and all. And that's it when you do last minute stuffs. And, there's the spring cleaning since my PTC was a day before Raya. So there!

So when PTC was done, I wished for a breather. But well well, a wish is wish. We all, or atleast I do know that not all wishes come true. So then there's K2 concert, which I know is just hanging around waiting for me to begin though I keep denying that it's hanging around. So yea, I learn to embrace the existence of the K2 graduation concert. When I started on the K2 concert, it wasn't easy. We practiced and practiced, and, we ended changing 3 storybooks for the K2 concert. Finally, when I thought we had enough, the SNCF performance came about.

And when will it be? It will be tomorrow, at Suntec City, Rock Stadium.

All the best to me and my kids. Darlings, you know that I love you. But I had been harsh.I had been strict. I had been too hard at times, I know. But if I am not, we will not be where we are.

And Nenek is in hospital now. As usual, wrong food and the same pain.

And I just had to see something today. There's this feeling that I could not explain, or describe. I want to cry, but what is it for? (I know I will end up crying to bed. Urgh!). I have let go, or I thought I had. But then, I just don't know.

I hate myself because of this.

I can't wait for my holiday.

I know He has planned something much better for me. And I will wait. And I will embrace my own happiness, one day.

InsyaAllah.

Maybe deep inside, I still do miss you. Us. Memories.

There's this funny 'tingly' feeling inside me which I just do no know what. I kept thinking of the past, those pains, and what had happened. I know I would never forget. Someone told me to stop using the word never, but in this case, I just know I would never forget the past. But what I didn't know was that the pain remains nearly the same, when I thought one day, like now, I could laugh it off, brushed it aside, and just walked away.

But I was wrong. I could not.

I felt, and am feeling the pain again. When I remembered what I've gone through. What I used to have. What I used to feel. I could no longer find that smile, something which I am desperately still trying to achieve.

I do not know if it's just the sickness in me that's triggering all this feeling.

Friend: I saw your photos last time. You look very different.
Me: Is it? I thought I've always looked the same *smiling, but knowing deep inside what it really is*
Friend: No, there's just something missing. There's this glow on your face last time. You look really happy.
Me: *Sigh silently*. Ya I know. I think I look really tired, and the glow's gone, especially those from my eyes. I know that too.

Since she's a good friend, might as well I just be honest. I know it myself. I can feel it, since it's all about me.

That's what love does to you. And being me now, this is what love has done to me.

Don't bother telling me I am what I want to be. Cause I had enough of you saying that. You started it first with me, left me when I've given what I could. Saying that will only make you feel better, but not me. If given the chance, I wouldn't want to be hurt, but is that any of my choice? You leaving me and giving me a load of craps, to make yourself better, but do you really believe they would make me feel better? And you have the cheek to tell me I choose what I want to be. I choose to be who I want to be. I want to be happy. But I know I've lost a part of it to feel truly happy. You make me feel that in a relationship, only one person has the privilege to make a  choice. If he wants to be happy, then the other will have to sacrifice. You wanted happiness, and I let you go. I sacrificed. I want you to be happy. But you really do not have the right to hurt me this bad, up to now. I tried to be who I want to be. What I want to be. But everytime, I failed.

You said life is full of choices. We choose, who and what we want to be. It was your choice. Purely your choice my life is the way it is now.

Is there another change in Blogger? Everytime I log in, there'll be like changes. Huh. I miss those times I could blog nearly everyday, which was for my previous blog. Why am I here at this time now? Because today I am on half day leave. Supposed to be taking graduation photos but Kak Mai's in labour! Of all days the baby boy decides to come out today. Hahah! Just get to know about it on the way home from work, and was rushing to the studio thereafter. But it's fine with me too. I want need a break, and since I have so many leaves left, why not?

Official opening is over!!! For months, we worked really hard for that, I would admit. The stress, the pressure, working 7am to 11pm (latest for me. some even later), all that will not be forgotten. I could feel them drip away though after the event. We hugged each other, congratulating each other, we've made it. I feel a sense of achievement watching my children presented, performed, the joy on the parents' faces and voice when they saw their children in the news, both newspapers and television. Yes yes, that was me in Berita on Suria and the Chinese newspaper. I've done my best, and it's nice to see it being appreciated, especially when my curriculum specialist came and thanked me for a job well done. I could not be more thankful.

It's not easy being in this centre. Especially for a new teacher like me. But the bond between us makes me grow stronger, and I believe being in this centre makes me learn more, do more, and thus, benefiting not only my children, but most importantly me. It's been such an emotional and educational journey for me thus far.

My principal, colleagues, friends, family, children, and their parents, keep me going. May I am able to go through rougher period after this.

Now back to focusing on PTC and Graduation Concert. On another note, being K2's pioneer main teacher in such a centre is such a heavy yet rewarding experience. =)

It's already 10.16pm. Oh no. Am I dragging work already? Truth be told, I am having this 'sickness; with work. And it's not just a saying. For the past week (longer, but it got bad for a week already), I have this bad headache. I know my body needs a break, but I still pushed on. Working for over 12 hours a day on weekdays, going back on Saturday, Sunday and PH. But in the end, I still could not complete on time. How to when 9 and a half hour I have to spend time with the children. I mean, I did my work but they are my first priority. So I stayed back till 11pm yet again on Thursday, last minute preparation before Mak Tiri comes. And yes, Alhamdulillah, I did what I want to, tho not 100% complete, the basics were there.
And I know my body couldn't take it anymore. Thursday, I really do not feel like going work with the pain in the head, but I want to. I have to. So yes, Friday, I was on MC. I saw it coming. And for the first time, I went to a panel doctor. Seriously, I would very much prefer the regular clinic and doctor I visit, though I must pay like 8 times more. I seriously do not mind. I felt worse after seeing the doctor.

Friday, I really put work aside. I felt quite better. Until I tried to do some work on Saturday, and the nausea came back. I could feel the vomit on my chest, my throat, but nothing comes out.

It seems like I really need the 4 days break. I think it'll do me good, or atleast, better. InsyaAllah.

I still have so many things unsettled, and it's making me real sick. Urgh.

Ok, work at 7am tomorrow. I planned to stay yet again, but maximum till 6.30pm. MUST HOLD ON TO THAT, SHIQIN!

I have a life, my personal life. I should learn to detach myself from my work burden and not lug it around 24/7. I do love my job, yes I do. But not to push myself this hard.

To you: I don't know what else to say. Was there me and you? Were you real? Or were you just an imagination which I felt so real of?

I wrote like 2000 words and everything's gone.

Ok, now I feel more sick. Was on MC last Friday. I know my body could not take it anymore, but this is the result of still pushing. Am not feeling much better. But looking forward to 3 days of work only this week, and then the long-awaited holiday. I will make full use of it, this I promise myself. I need it, not only want, the break.

It's already going to 11pm. Urgh. Work at 7am tmr. Planned to stay yet again, but maximum till 6.30pm. MUST HOLD ON TO THAT, SHIQIN!

I need to learn to give myself more personal life. And stop lugging the work burden on my shoulders 24/7.

I love my life, so treasure it now.

Ok, is there a change in blogger? It feels so so different, and I am too occupied to bother checking everything out and making a change.

I do not want to say it, to let myself feel it, or to sy it out. But here I am, really badly in need of venting it out.

I feel like quitting. I feel like giving up.

The tiredness is choking me. I want my life, where I get to spend time with MYSELF. I want to spend time doing the things I love, and know that I have a personal life, apart from work. These two to three weeks, I do not find such time. Today is Sunday, and I was really so close to going back to school and do up my work, and then it was cancelled, and the guilt is still hovering over me till now, and I know till tmr and so on. My good friends call me a workaholic now. Not that I wasn't before. I remember the late nights I stayed in the office. The work I brought home. But the feeling is just different. I am juggling so many things, myself. I am working my ass off, spending more than 12 hours in school every weekday, working Monday to Sunday, but still it's like nothing done. It's the piling workload, and if it's just that, I have children whom I have to look after for 9 and the half hours per day. They need me, my care, love, attention and knowledge. I feel so guilty for the times I vented my anger on them, as the pressure is building up in me.

I have so much work undone. I couldn't ask for more than 24 hours a day. And even so, I know I couldn't take it. My body couldn't take it anymore. The backaches and body aches are here now. And I could feel it especially when I climb up the stairs to my classroom for like 50 times per day.

I am just so tired. So so tired.

I have my dramatic corner to do up by tmr. And my dramatic board. And my Language corner. And my first storybook. And then start on my other 2 storybooks. And then work on the Gallery artwork. And then the portfolios. And of course, on top of that, my curriculum. My lessons, my Literacy, and everything else. And there's the whole day training on Wednesday.

Change of subject, I know it's long over for us. Especially since you've tied the knot. Adele's song, Someone like you is the best song to portray it. How fair/unfair can life be? There you are leading the happiest moments of your life, when here I am mending this broken heart, trying to regain my trust in people called men and trying, and really trying to trust love again. You started this relationship when I wasn't in favour of it, and left just like that. Umpteen times and why am I still so trusting. So now I've closed myself. Because there's no purpose opening myself up when I could not bring myself to trust. So stop asking when I'm  going to find someone and tie the knot. If it's so easy for others, it ain't for me. I have enough for now.

I know I can still move on. I know I can.
To top it of, I got into my Monash bachelor. Now to settle the payments. And I'm having my convocation in June, right after KIC. Which is somehow great! A celebration after the hard work. And official opening is on Friday the 29th June!

Whee, hope I can get away on 30th June before there's SCHOOL the next day (where I'm the student instead of the teacher), sounds nice! I NEED A BREAK! =)